The sex lives of hobbits

We learn very little about hobbit sex from the hallowed tomes of Mr Tolkien; though naturally he drops subtle hints about their libidinous habits. For example Sam Gamgee clearly fancies Rosie, but it’s possible he fancies Frodo too.

If you’ve ever read Lord of the Rings you’ll know what I mean by this because Sam and Frodo’s relationship borders on the awkwardly homoerotic. They do a lot of hugging and ‘Oh please Mr Frodo, I’ll follow you everywhere’ smushy kind of stuff.

Hobbit sex is bound to be uncomfortable, what with Gandalf and gangs of dwarves popping around for tea and muffins at the drop of a (pointy wizard’s) hat. Imagine the poor little beggars, humping away like jack hammers on the kitchen table when suddenly:


‘Ah, oh, AH… What was THAT?!’

‘Hush dear, it was nought but a knarly old willow branch a-tapping at the casement. Now lie back and think of the Brandywine.’


‘No, I definitely heared a persistent BANGING on the front door, Merry.’

Suddenly the door bursts open and in strides Gandalf with a huge… entourage of dwarves from the northern-most mines of Dwarrowdelf.

‘Merry! Berry! My dear little nut brown sex-pots; please don’t stop on our account. I hope you’ve put the kettle on. Now, where are your muffins?’

The whole thing seems voyeuristic, and I blame wizard induced coitus interruptus for the scarcity of hobbits. Then we must consider their huge hairy feet and long dagger-like toenails. It’s hard to get it on when your bodily appendages are like Brillo-Pads. Spoils the moment. Friction burns. Localised wounds.

And what of Gollum? Don’t forget that before he claimed the ring (snigger) as his own, he was but a numble hobbity-type personage. Gollum is really the gimp of Tolkien’s pervy pantheon. He lives in a dark damp smelly place (his dungeon) has OCD and thrives on pain.

After all, he spent weeks in the torture chambers of Barad-dûr lapping it all up… Until (one suspects) he started to enjoy it, and crawled back for more whippings from the hand of Sauron.

Naturally this is why gimpy Gollum is single and unable to join like the rest of us oh-so-very normal people.


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