5 days of sexy sun

This winter was mild compared to the terrible Artic weather which ripped across the UK last year, and at last winter has yielded to glorious spring-shine, and the forecast is for five days of rock solid sun.

I used to think our national obsession with the weather was strange, but it really does affect our collective mood. During the darker months people seem to drag themselves around; their demeanour is much like orcs in Lord of the Rings, heading for the Black Lands with the idea of torturing some cute furry mammal with a rusty razor.. I suspect those people work in banks.

But when spring unpacks her lovely bags and moves in for a few weeks, things improve dramatically. Shorts are worn, revealing pale British legs the colour of Wensleydale cheese – and the spotty traumatised masses emerge from countless urban habitats wearing not many clothes and clutching bottles of cheap booze.

People smile. Some of them speak. ‘Hello, lovely day!’ And all because of the weather.

The hordes are headed for parks and town centres where they will sit around and wait for things to happen. The Fit squeeze into tight-fitting Lycra and parade sexy flesh through the streets, displaying their genetic superiority to all and sundry. The trick is to look as if you’re not on display. Wear huge headphones and a neutral expression. Boobs and bums bounce to the rhythm of countless iPods. Hair swishes. Sweat falls like salty rain onto the parched ground.

Spring unleashes thoughts of courtship and perhaps even love. I think human sexuality can be quite discreet at times, and shady corners harbour dusty ghosts. Lovers, whose hands move quietly over each other like secret shadows. Clouds part above them and mouths crush together as if to say, ‘Let’s perpetuate’.

‘Let us not pray – let us perpetuate.’

This is a theme carried throughout the whole of Nature. Birds sing more vehemently, the grass rustles with unknown battalions of creatures marching on their bellies. And all this to fuel a movement towards the great unknown we call ‘the future’. What is this mysterious future? I do not know, but its seeds are in the present, planted by you and me. Have an excellent spring. And remember to sow those seeds while you still can.

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