The religious ethics of Eric Pickles

Eric’s a politician and he likes curry – a lot. He also likes religion. I’m not sure if he likes religion more than curry, but here’s a photo of the fat bastard this person of size to help you decide.

Anyway, dear Eric is a lovely, lovely, lovely man. He must be because when I Googled ‘Eric Pickles’ and ‘religion’ in the same search I got 228,000 results. Pretty damn Godly!

I tried the same method, but this time I substituted ‘religion’ with ‘curry’ – and I only got 109,000 results. Confused? Me too.

You see, whenever Eric publishes a government press release he always mentions curry and / or religion. But he never says what he believes himself; so I can’t tell if he’s sincere or if he has a fetish: like some people do with trainspotting and collecting Jabba the Hutt figurines.

Eric is a proud upstanding, erect (even comely) citizen, and sometimes I almost like him. He reminds me of the Victorian patriarchs of yesteryear who banged on endlessly about God and Jesus and The Deserving Poor (Gawd bless ’em) and such-like – but who were inevitably caught flying their patriotic trousers around their ankles while doing the horizontal zig-a-bop with underage girls with names like Betsy Hardcastle and Clara Wiggins. Well, it was either that or the workhouse and an early grave.

Perhaps this is why Eric (who is lovely; did I mention that?) likes curry so much: to fortify him and make him vigorous enough to sustain multiple trysts with naughty-bad night women.

It’s certainly not because he’s a hypocrite: such a thing would be completely unthinkable for someone as holy and morally correct as our Eric. I feel comforted that Holy He is in charge of a whole government department. Imagine what would happen if God wasn’t involved in running the country! Socialists would probably wheedle their way into the corridors of power, and that might upset Jesus.

I wonder if Jesus likes curry too…


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