Ten things I’ve done to avoid eternal damnation

1. I didn’t pray to my upside-down cross
2. I wasn’t particularly rude about Jesus
3. I ate fewer babies than normal
4. I didn’t say God’s name backwards more than a couple of times
5. Avoided ouja boards like the plague
6. Burned my tarot cards
7. I didn’t suckle on a witch’s tit
8. No major curses were put forth
9. Refrained from ritually sacrificing my parents to Beelzebub
10. I didn’t vote Conservative